june 3 2010

" One of the most saddest part of life is keeping yourself busy & pushing yourself to the limit all day. And when you get home lying in bed, you'll discover that after all you've done to satisfy your-self , you're still in the very same position that you've been trying to escape."

It's been 1 month, 2 weeks and 3 days since i last saw him. But his angry eyes seem to always hunt me in my dreams. Its still fresh in my memories like it was just yesterday and it still punches a hole in my chest every time I remember those last moments i had with him. When he asked me not to give up on us na konting panahon na lang.

But I can't take back what i did, and now I'm missing him ti high heavens. i miss him so much it literally hurts. Sometimes I am asking my self if its right to give up, to just move on and discard everything we had. There are those moments that I'm regretting every thing I've said to him and just take him back and be contented at what he had for me kaya lang I would realize na tama namasyado na ko nagmumukhang tanga.

i don't know why i gave up. Maybe because i can't trust him anymore. Maybe because lust and love doesn't always keep the same company in his point of view. Maybe I grew tired of waiting and wanting... for nothing. Maybe I'm afraid na at the end of the road wala pala kaming future together. Or maybe i just really felt that everything has changed. That he's not my Alex anymore, he's not my mamang pogi na amoy safeguard. He's more of Aj now.

He speak differently not because of his thick accent but because its not the same, its not the way he used to be. i know he's conceited but never rude, never that but now feels like i don't know him at all.

Maybe feelings really change and that's what hurts the most, that he doesn't feel the same way anymore. nahihirapan lang siyang sabihin sa'yo na wala na dahil walaka namang ginagawang masama. na kaya hindi ka niya ma maiwan kasi naaawa na lang siya sa'yo.

And maybe those are the reasons why i chose to stop what we had. I love him but i think this is just it. I still miss him every now and then. Every part of me, every single cell in my body still wants him, shouts his namn.

Minsan nakakainis na. kahit anong ginagawa ko, kahit walang koneksiyon sa kanya naaalala ko siya. Then it would put me to that same stupor that i've been trying to avoid this past few weeks.

I MISS HIM. SO MUCH. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. EXCEPT HIM.